Revival
Like many, I have been greatly affected by the murder of Charlie Kirk. We were the same age, he and I, both with two young children, and both following Jesus the best that we are able. His death has brought the brevity of life to the forefront of my mind. Each day feels more like a gift now, each moment more sacred, but I also feel a heavier burden.
As I've dwelt on it, I've realized it is the burden of discipleship — the duty to make every day count for something; the responsibility to be bold in my faith; the charge to bring souls unto Christ; the obligation to use my voice and talents; the need to make of my life a statement that reflects the will of the Father. I feel a resurgence in my faith that has been hard to come by in recent years. At the same time, I feel an inadequacy about shouldering that burden properly; an anxiety that I won't measure up, that my testimony is too meager, that my abilities are too feeble.
In the last year or so, I have felt a steady chastisement for hiding my light, and for softening my voice. I've felt the need to get back in the game, so to speak, but have been conflicted as to how. Recent events have compelled me to begin somewhere, anywhere, to just start. So here I am, writing, attempting, endeavoring, and grappling, however imperfectly, to make sense of things in this ever confusing and contradictory world, even if only for myself. Though perhaps you can resonate with my confusion; perhaps my own contradictions speak to yours.
Let me begin by explaining why my boldness for the gospel has waned since being home from my mission in Mexico. In many ways, I am conflicted about my faith. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And while I am proud of the gospel, the covenants, the doctrine, and the books of scripture found there, I am also at times embarrassed by the Church itself. The vain culture of "Utah Mormons" permeates throughout every meeting, activity, and worship service. I have found it difficult to relate to many of the members, and find myself perpetually dissatisfied with the lack of substance and depth in our meetings and conferences. There are times when I flat out disagree with counsel from leaders of every rank. Pharisaical tendencies seem to abound as members continually focus on appearances rather than true conversion. To me, church culture has felt very lukewarm, routinized, and inauthentic. I crave after meat, yet am only served milk. (Now, before you come for me about the beams in my eye, understand that I am only vocalizing my personal struggles, and you ought not to take it personally.) For these reasons, it has been difficult for me to proclaim the gospel as I once did — because my love for the institution of the church has become jaded.
However, the Spirit has rebuked me for this demeanor, this jadedness. Through its persistence, (how wonderful that He never gives up on us!) I have come to understand that if there is a defect in my learning within the bounds of the church, the defect lies not in the members or leaders, but in my own heart. If I feel malnourished from my church attendance, that is only because I expect others to feed me instead of preparing my own sustenance. If I feel in the dark, it is only because I have brought an empty lamp and expected others to fill it for me. The truth of the matter is this: we receive from the Spirit what we are ready to receive. And if we are diligent and honest in our personal seeking, we will be filled, fed, and instructed beyond what mere words can achieve. The language of Spirit will provide all we need to progress, and we will never be found wanting. But we cannot outsource our spiritual nourishment, as I have done for so long. Instead, we must arrive to our houses of worship already fed, already full, and ask the Lord to use us for His purposes.
As far as the Church of Jesus Christ is concerned, I am endlessly grateful for the doctrines thought therein — they are of inestimable worth. From eternal marriage and families, to the eternal worth of a soul, to the eternal progression we daily pursue — these truths and many more have shaped my worldview in infinite ways. I am still seeking testimony in other areas. I struggle to sustain leaders, follow “commandments” that feel merely cultural, and have trouble with the concept of Priesthood keys. I ought to love the Temple, but currently, all I possess is a desire to love. In many regards, I am a spiritual novice, but if there is anything I am good at, it is seeking.
At the end of the day, I have an unshakeable testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. At the end of the day, my relationship with the Savior is always the most important thing. At the end of the day, we are called to "waste and wear out our lives" to bring others unto Him. And if there are problems that I see within the culture of the Church, well then, good news — cultures can be changed, and there's no reason why I should step away instead of being a part of the solution. I don't say that in an arrogant way, I only mean that my personal tendency is to leave if something doesn't suit me, and since leaving this gospel is not an option, all that remains is to try and change the environment in the hopes of cultivating a space that encourages growth instead of complacency. All that remains is for me to take seriously the charge to be Salt and Light — to bring more of Christ into my being, my family, my community, my world.
This weekly blog is my honest attempt at rekindling my inner fire, resuming my personal ministry, being a lifelong learner, and whittling away the parts of me that do not contribute to the ultimate design God has for my life. Day by day, and verse by verse, I am reconverted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that these are the Last Days, and that just as evil runs rampant, so too do miracles abound. We are not left comfortless, nor without instruction. We are called to be in this time, in this place, for a reason that only God knows. The key is to trust Him; trust that we will be made equal to the task; trust that He knows us personally; trust that all will be made right through Christ. The time to decide is now. The time to step onto the raging sea, is now. His hand is ever outstretched. Let us be bold, and take it.
